The PinoyLife Guide to Not Being a Kuya

This actually wasn’t a BrownScene article, but an article that appeared on Pinoylife.com, which was a California-based site that really paved the way for our own online presence.

Sometimes, I wonder if the Editor, Moonie Lantion is still out there doing his thing. Moonie, if you are, holler at us.

Meanwhile, I post this article by Moonie out of nostalgia:

The Pinoylife Guide to Not Being a Kuya
by Moonie Lantion for Pinoylife.com
Disclaimer: This is not to be taken too seriously. It is not meant to put down Pinays but just to poke fun at the fact that most guys I know have been called Kuya and hated it.

I’ll make this real clear. This article is geared towards men. It is in no way meant to appease any women because it will reveal truths that are unspoken but very well known in the minds of most men. I write this to hopefully educate and enlighten my fellow Pinoy brothers in that they may minimize the amount of times they are called the evil word… KUYA.

Fellas, we’ve all been there. We go nuts over some girl and basically do everything to make her feel good about herself. We do all the sweet things that we could think of. We do stuff that we would NEVER EVER do for other people like cook for them, spend money on them, and dare I say it… take their mom to the market because she doesn’t have a car. Yes men, we’ve done those things and some of us have done even worse. And why? So that they would like us back in the hopes that we would become that special man in their lives.

Granted some of us… okay most of us do it so that we could get some action but hey, I’m just being honest.

But despite all the sweet and good things we do for the girl that we like, somehow… someway we get stuck becoming an entity that we despise. We get BRANDED by a name that will forever mean “I would never sleep with you but I like the shit you do for me”. That’s right men, I’m talking about that evil four letter word … KUYA.

For the non Tagalog speaking folks, kuya means “older brother”. But most young Pinoys see it as the “kiss of death” word. See, women think that it’s some kind of honor for them to call us kuyas. Not so. It SUCKS being a called a kuya from someone that isn’t related to you. We know that it’s just an easier way for a girl to say to us, “I’m flattered by your kindness but you are just too ugly for me to be with.” Why don’t they just tell us the truth. I would much rather hear the truth than to hear that I’ve been relegated to “brother” status.

We shall now examine a few scenarios that can lead to this ill-fated phenomenon known as being called kuya.

Most guys go through the same experience. A guy will meet a Pinay and realize that she is the cutest girl he’s ever met. He will then proceed to try to find a way to either get her phone number, name, and other contact information. If he even gets that far then a relationship begins which consists of phone calls, a letter maybe, some acts of sweetness (i.e. giving flowers, going out to a movie or dinner) and doing anything and everything to make her happy. Sometimes this leads to the guy becoming the boyfriend of the girl he is chasing after. Most of the time… here’s what happens. The girl is overwhelmed because of the fact that a guy is doing all this stuff for her. She then talks to all her freaking friends and is confused because she doesn’t really like the guy but she loves all the cool shit he’s doing for her. So she must find a way to keep him in her life and needs to communicate the fact that she doesn’t like him in that way without hurting his feelings. That’s where that stupid 4 letter word comes in handy. The end result is usually a conversation between the guy and the girl where the guy feels that he can no longer hold in his passion and feelings for the girl and decides to spill his guts. The girl will usually respond with a few sentences which always end in “I think of you as a kuya.” Remember that phrase guys, you have and will hear it alot.

However, there are other scenarios, some of which are even worse. For instance, you have a childhood friend that is a girl. You grow up together and know each other inside out. It is only until you get older that you realize that she is probably the love of your life. After years of denial, you come to terms with the fact that you love this girl like no other woman in the world and you honestly feel that in your heart, no other man could love her more then you. One day, you decide to spill your guts. All the time before your catharsis to this woman, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and you can’t think of anything else except for trying to say all the things you can possibly say to make her realize that you are the man for her. You begin to talk to her and your heart is pulsing wildly because you have no idea what will happen. You talk about childhood memories and how you’ve always been there for her and wanted the best for her. Then, when you tell her those three words… she is shocked. She is speechless. But of all the things that she could follow up the dead silence… she tells you something which will probably end in “I think of you as a kuya.” How’s THAT for a dagger in the heart eh?

The one thing that gets me though… we get called kuyas by these girls that we chase after, then they hook up with some ASSHOLE and gripe to us how much they wish someone treated them better.

This needs to stop!

The word kuya should only be used if you are a brother or older male relative. And here are some tips as to how to avoid being called KUYA:

1. As soon as you even hear that word, immediately tell the girl “please don’t call me that…it really sucks”

2. During the chasing phase of your relationship… whatever you do… do not drive her mom to the market. Only do that if your reach boyfriend status.

3. Tell her that you come from a dysfunctional family and that any type of familial references will bring up bad memories. It’s not lying if it’s for the sake of survival.

4. During one of your conversations, bring up the fact that you used to know a girl that would call every guy kuya and that men think that girls that do such things are skanks that just want attention.

5. Limit the amount of times someone calls you kuya in public. If your name is Joe, you don’t want to be remembered as the guy everyone calls Kuya Joe.

Fellas, we need to end this heinous wrongdoing. Whoever decided that it would be a cool thing to call us kuyas needs to be taken out and shot. It is only if we, as a collective male species, take the steps and work together then we shall be victorious in this battle against kuya-dom. Remember our battle cry:

You may not want me as your lover… but don’t you dare call me your brother.

Let your “kuya stories” be heard. Send email to moonie@pinoylife.com and tell the PinoyLife readers your worst “Kuya” story.